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Confusion and Frustration [May. 8th, 2009|02:35 am]
[Current Location |At Home Most of the Time]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |Elton John, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me]

I just don't know where I'm at a lot of the time......Up and Down, Up and Down...What am I going through???? I am actually pretty self aware most of the time, but it doesn't make things any easier.
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Post SXSW Run down [Mar. 25th, 2009|03:57 pm]
[mood |busy]
[music |myself practicing]

SXSW: Didn't go as planned
Quincy Jones: Was an amazingly inspiring speaker at south by
The House: Cleaning it like a mad man
Guests: Rubia's Dad will be here tonight
New Saxophone: I am loving it and have hit a groove in my playing since the fest ended
Saxophone Students: Have been flaky and inconsistent
New Compositions and musical ideas: Are developing more and more everyday
New Saxophone Reed Methodology: Has improved everything.
Finances: Horrible
Relationship status: Has been smooth and pleasant since our mid SXSW meltdown.
Family: It was great seeing the uncle and the grandparents today, my mom and dad both seem alright
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Out come of Rubia's Xmas party [Dec. 13th, 2008|02:11 am]
[music |Dafnis Preieto: conga en ti]

I am upset, discontent, and disappointed. Tonight I only have my own shouder to cry on .... I feel pathetic. ........I refuse to feel sorry for myself....alcohol never makes things better.....Fuck....
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White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack [Nov. 9th, 2008|12:00 pm]
[Current Location |E. Riverside]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group"

Peggy McIntosh

Through work to bring materials from women's studies into the rest of the curriculum, I have often noticed men's unwillingness to grant that they are over privileged, even though they may grant that women are disadvantaged. They may say they will work to women's statues, in the society, the university, or the curriculum, but they can't or won't support the idea of lessening men's. Denials that amount to taboos surround the subject of advantages that men gain from women's disadvantages. These denials protect male privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended.

Thinking through unacknowledged male privilege as a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there are most likely a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there was most likely a phenomenon of while privilege that was similarly denied and protected. As a white person, I realized I had been taught about racism as something that puts others at a disadvantage, but had been taught not to see one of its corollary aspects, white privilege, which puts me at an advantage.

I think whites are carefully taught not to recognize white privilege, as males are taught not to recognize male privilege. So I have begun in an untutored way to ask what it is like to have white privilege. I have come to see white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was "meant" to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools , and blank checks.

Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable. As we in women's studies work to reveal male privilege and ask men to give up some of their power, so one who writes about having white privilege must ask, "having described it, what will I do to lessen or end it?"

After I realized the extent to which men work from a base of unacknowledged privilege, I understood that much of their oppressiveness was unconscious. Then I remembered the frequent charges from women of color that white women whom they encounter are oppressive. I began to understand why we are just seen as oppressive, even when we don't see ourselves that way. I began to count the ways in which I enjoy unearned skin privilege and have been conditioned into oblivion about its existence.

My schooling gave me no training in seeing myself as an oppressor, as an unfairly advantaged person, or as a participant in a damaged culture. I was taught to see myself as an individual whose moral state depended on her individual moral will. My schooling followed the pattern my colleague Elizabeth Minnich has pointed out: whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us."

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Daily effects of white privilege

I decided to try to work on myself at least by identifying some of the daily effects of white privilege in my life. I have chosen those conditions that I think in my case attach somewhat more to skin-color privilege than to class, religion, ethnic status, or geographic location, though of course all these other factors are intricately intertwined. As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact in this particular time, place and time of work cannot count on most of these conditions.

1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.

11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.

15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.

17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.

18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.

19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.

20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.

28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.

32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.

36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.

37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.

41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.

42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.

43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.

44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.

49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.

50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

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Elusive and fugitive

I repeatedly forgot each of the realizations on this list until I wrote it down. For me white privilege has turned out to be an elusive and fugitive subject. The pressure to avoid it is great, for in facing it I must give up the myth of meritocracy. If these things are true, this is not such a free country; one's life is not what one makes it; many doors open for certain people through no virtues of their own.

In unpacking this invisible knapsack of white privilege, I have listed conditions of daily experience that I once took for granted. Nor did I think of any of these perquisites as bad for the holder. I now think that we need a more finely differentiated taxonomy of privilege, for some of these varieties are only what one would want for everyone in a just society, and others give license to be ignorant, oblivious, arrogant, and destructive.

I see a pattern running through the matrix of white privilege, a patter of assumptions that were passed on to me as a white person. There was one main piece of cultural turf; it was my own turn, and I was among those who could control the turf. My skin color was an asset for any move I was educated to want to make. I could think of myself as belonging in major ways and of making social systems work for me. I could freely disparage, fear, neglect, or be oblivious to anything outside of the dominant cultural forms. Being of the main culture, I could also criticize it fairly freely.

In proportion as my racial group was being made confident, comfortable, and oblivious, other groups were likely being made unconfident, uncomfortable, and alienated. Whiteness protected me from many kinds of hostility, distress, and violence, which I was being subtly trained to visit, in turn, upon people of color.

For this reason, the word "privilege" now seems to me misleading. We usually think of privilege as being a favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck. Yet some of the conditions I have described here work systematically to over empower certain groups. Such privilege simply confers dominance because of one's race or sex.

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Earned strength, unearned power

I want, then, to distinguish between earned strength and unearned power conferred privilege can look like strength when it is in fact permission to escape or to dominate. But not all of the privileges on my list are inevitably damaging. Some, like the expectation that neighbors will be decent to you, or that your race will not count against you in court, should be the norm in a just society. Others, like the privilege to ignore less powerful people, distort the humanity of the holders as well as the ignored groups.

We might at least start by distinguishing between positive advantages, which we can work to spread, and negative types of advantage, which unless rejected will always reinforce our present hierarchies. For example, the feeling that one belongs within the human circle, as Native Americans say, should not be seen as privilege for a few. Ideally it is an unearned entitlement. At present, since only a few have it, it is an unearned advantage for them. This paper results from a process of coming to see that some of the power that I originally say as attendant on being a human being in the United States consisted in unearned advantage and conferred dominance.

I have met very few men who truly distressed about systemic, unearned male advantage and conferred dominance. And so one question for me and others like me is whether we will be like them, or whether we will get truly distressed, even outraged, about unearned race advantage and conferred dominance, and, if so, what we will do to lessen them. In any case, we need to do more work in identifying how they actually affect our daily lives. Many, perhaps most, of our white students in the United States think that racism doesn't affect them because they are not people of color; they do not see "whiteness" as a racial identity. In addition, since race and sex are not the only advantaging systems at work, we need similarly to examine the daily experience of having age advantage, or ethnic advantage, or physical ability, or advantage related to nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.

Difficulties and angers surrounding the task of finding parallels are many. Since racism, sexism, and heterosexism are not the same, the advantages associated with them should not be seen as the same. In addition, it is hard to disentangle aspects of unearned advantage that rest more on social class, economic class, race, religion, sex, and ethnic identity that on other factors. Still, all of the oppressions are interlocking, as the members of the Combahee River Collective pointed out in their "Black Feminist Statement" of 1977.

One factor seems clear about all of the interlocking oppressions. They take both active forms, which we can see, and embedded forms, which as a member of the dominant groups one is taught not to see. In my class and place, I did not see myself as a racist because I was taught to recognize racism only in individual acts of meanness by members of my group, never in invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance on my group from birth.

Disapproving of the system won't be enough to change them. I was taught to think that racism could end if white individuals changed their attitude. But a "white" skin in the United States opens many doors for whites whether or not we approve of the way dominance has been conferred on us. Individual acts can palliate but cannot end, these problems.

To redesign social systems we need first to acknowledge their colossal unseen dimensions. The silences and denials surrounding privilege are the key political surrounding privilege are the key political tool here. They keep the thinking about equality or equity incomplete, protecting unearned advantage and conferred dominance by making these subject taboo. Most talk by whites about equal opportunity seems to me now to be about equal opportunity to try to get into a position of dominance while denying that systems of dominance exist.

It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness about male advantage, is kept strongly enculturated in the United States so as to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those in power and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have most of it already.

Although systemic change takes many decades, there are pressing questions for me and, I imagine, for some others like me if we raise our daily consciousness on the perquisites of being light-skinned. What will we do with such knowledge? As we know from watching men, it is an open question whether we will choose to use unearned advantage, and whether we will use any of our arbitrarily awarded power to try to reconstruct power systems on a broader base.

Peggy McIntosh is associate director of the Wellesley Collage Center for Research on Women. This essay is excerpted from Working Paper 189. "White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies" (1988), by Peggy McIntosh; available for $4.00 from the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Wellesley MA 02181 The working paper contains a longer list of privileges.

This excerpted essay is reprinted from the Winter 1990 issue of Independent School.

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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2008|01:10 pm]
My grandfather has been staying at my house for the last 4 days.  My uncle and I have been busting our asses to find my grandparents a new home. It has been  a challenging and stressful endeavor....I have felt moody lately, I shift from angry to anxious to disappointed.... I almost snapped at a Vietnamese restaurant. I have mostly neglected my life for the last week.....I am glad that I am in a position to fully help my grandparents....I have been frustrated lately with personal friendships, creative relationships, business relationships, and corporate America in general.... I am keeping it together. I am blessed to have a wonderful romantic relationship. I am blessed to live in a wonderful place. I am blessed to have a loving family. I am blessed to be a musician.
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2008|11:31 am]
[music |Cadillac by Aashram]

Aashram will officially be launching the new Austin lineup this Saturday the 6th at Kick Butt Coffee (By Highland Mall on Airport Blvd). Aashram will be performing at 6pm.

5775 Airport Blvd. #725, Austin, TX 78752


Joshua Thomson-saxophone
Eric Fillip- drums
Adam Engelmeyer-bass
Victor Bustos-guitar

Aashram EPs are currently available through paypal ($5 plus shipping) through this myspace page.

http://www. myspace. com/aashram

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Recording, Recording, Recording, Music, Music, Music [Aug. 3rd, 2008|07:39 pm]
[music |Jackie McClean- Let Freedom Ring]

Since I have recently have declined an offer to gig with a straight ahead jazz combo, I have had more time to develop some of my musical ideas. I have fragments of compositions here and there that I am in process of refining and extending. Some of these are new ideas and others can be traced back to my time in Barcelona and last summer in Ann Arbor.

On Wednesday I reconnected with my friend Adam Kallad who is a musician and sound engineer. We both decided that it was time to start tracking once again (Adam engineered my session in June for the Fractured Dimension).  I arrived at 2:30pm and left his studio at 8pm. I did 14 takes in total. I must say that it was productive session. Much of the material recorded will be used, other takes will serve as a reference for me. I will eventually be sending some these tracks off to Daniel Llanes, Eric Fillip, and Shane Dignan for further development. First and foremost need to spend some time analyzing each take.

I was happy to also assist Adam with his current rock project. I lent my ears to him and we analyzed some of his tunes together. I will be getting together with Adam again soon. Each time we meet serves as a learning experience for the both of us.
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Back in Austin [Jul. 23rd, 2008|01:11 pm]
[Current Location |Home in Austin]
[music |Neil Diamond in the car]

Detroit was a non stop endeavor that involved a side trip to Toronto, a few gigs throughout the metro area, and a wedding. It was great seeing my  family and many old friends.  It was a challenging trip partially due to the grind, but also due to emotional stress induced by familial circumstances and my best friend growing up getting married. I have been recuperating from the trip and have come down with a cold. Blowing saxophone was tough last night..  This sore throat today has been annoying. I'm resting up for Saturday's recording session. 
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80s Poison in my subconsciousness? [Jun. 12th, 2008|03:06 am]
[music |Weather Report Live in Tokyo '72]

Last night I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt that I reformed Aashram as the sleaze metal band Poison. All of a sudden we all had these amazingly bad hair styles.We all had aviator sunglasses on; For some reason I suddenly though It would be a good idea to start chain smoking. I had that Dog the Bounty Hunter massive mullet look with the unlit cigarette hanging from my mouth, wow that was intense. The entire band was decked out in leather biker gear with the sleaves ripped off the of the leather jackets. I think one of us was sporting the cross earring....Could you imagine jazz world beat meets Poison....that would be paradigm altering....how about a smooth jazz version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"....wow I couldn't handle that.....
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Detroit Red Wings 2008 Stanley Cup Champions!!! [Jun. 5th, 2008|04:05 pm]
[mood |gigglygiggly]
[music |Guns and Roses Welcome to the Jungle]

 Wings took care of business this year and reclaimed the coveted Stanley Cup. Finally there is something to celebrate in the motor city. It has been a rough few years back home. A championship always lifts everyones morale a bit in Detroit. Hopefully this generated some revenue for downtown's local business owners. I've been pumped since last night! The cats in red and white played their asses off this spring! Go Detroit!!

Now if we could only keep Kwame out of the parade....
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